


My darlin', I'll be rooting for you

by toneelspeler



Series: theory of mind [1]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Break Up, F/M, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other, POV Second Person, Sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-30 02:44:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12098991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toneelspeler/pseuds/toneelspeler
Summary: The evening of his second first day of school as a third grader, you sleep over. Because of an early shift at the grocery store, you wake up earlier than he does. You kiss him on the cheek and softly whisper a good luck. He barely stirs; but that’s no surprise. His nerves had kept him awake for the better part of the night, and his new medication has been no joy for his sleeping rituals.You hope that his day brings the change he has needed so desperately. If not for him, then for you.You’ve been tired for a while.---A Musing on Sonja's perspective of Even.





	My darlin', I'll be rooting for you

The evening of his second first day of school as a third grader, you sleep over. Because of an early shift at the grocery store, you wake up earlier than he does. You kiss him on the cheek and softly whisper a good luck. He barely stirs; but that’s no surprise. His nerves had kept him awake for the better part of the night, and his new medication has been no joy for his sleeping rituals.

You hope that his day brings the change he has needed so desperately. If not for him, then for you.

You’ve been tired for a while.

—

For the first time in a while, his mood seems to have softened; he’s light-hearted and sweet, albeit a bit forgetful. But he seems to have made some friends, and you’re truly happy for him. Work is monotonous, and your boss is edging on a slippery slope towards intimidation. Still, you gain free wine bottles out of it, so you keep working there.

It’s not like you have a lot to do anyway.

—

When he invites you to a  _kosegruppa_  party, you say yes a bit too quickly. It’s been a while since you went to a revue party, and you have to admit that you’ve missed it. The eager students, the crazy outfits, the neon theme. When the pre-party is over and you prepare yourselves to leave, he decides he wants to help his friend clean up. You don’t mind it too much; you’ve been together for four years, you can deal with being apart at a party.

The first-grade girl is enthusiastic enough to keep you entertained. He later sends you a text that he doesn’t feel too good and is heading home.  

And this is how it starts.

—

No matter how much he tries to deny it, you can smell the weed on his clothing. When you ask him about his plans for Halloween, he tells you he’s having a pre-party with his friend from Nissen. You promptly tell him that you’ll join them, and that you like his friend’s girlfriend so you’ll invite her too. You have a hunch that he’s not too happy about a double date, but you insist that it’ll be fun.

You cannot leave him alone, not now.

And you know you cannot monitor him. You’re really trying not to, but you’re seeing signs and they are making you worry. So when you get up to leave for the bathroom, it’s really to contain your own frustration, and your fears. You care about him, you just want him to be okay. You need to  _know_ he is okay.

Then your worst nightmare happens. He leaves.

—

For over two days you don’t hear from or see him. On Monday, he shows up at your store at closing time and asks if he can walk you home. You agree. Your anger has subsided, but your worry increases. He tells you about his feelings for Isak, and if you’re honest, it doesn’t surprise you. You’ve known about his sexuality for about a year; quite inevitable after what happened at Bakka. And your relationship has lost its fire, for longer than you would like to admit. When he suggests a break, you tear up and you agree.

Emma texts you later that night to ask whether you have spoken to him already. You tell her the truth. She deserves to know.

—

At her party, you see him for the first time since days. He had texted you about his conversation with Isak, clearly feeling stupid and alone. You tried to help him, told him that he deserves better than that. That he should take care of himself. It feels like the old times.

He smiles at you when you see him again. In a spontaneous moment, you kiss him; wanting to feel that affection once again, feel that feeling that you had four years ago. When you were still at school, with friends, with an uncomplicated life, with a crush that looked tenderly at you with his beautiful blue eyes. You don’t know if it’s the alcohol or if it’s real, but he responds. It feels like you are fifteen again.

But it’s 2016. He softly pushes you away when he’s seemingly come back to himself and tells you sorry. He can’t do this; not now.

You’re left behind very often, nowadays.

—

You go by his house to get some of your stuff that you’ve left there over the years. He’s smoking a joint in his windowsill; his eyes are closed, papers are scattered everywhere and his green notebook lies on the ground with sketches scratched out. You would ask if he’s okay but you’re unsure whether you’re allowed to at this point. There’s a question on your mind, not seeing the pill bottles in their usual place on his desk, one that you already know the answer to.

“Does Isak know?”

His silence is decisive.

—

Emma sends you an Instagram picture that sends you into immediate worry. You text his mother to ask her if he’s been home that much the past weekend. She tells you no.

Your frustration builds throughout the week, having asked Emma for Isak’s phone number but with no way to actually reach him. You know this should be his call;  _he_  should be the one to tell Isak. But after hearing his voice on the other end of the call, you know he will never do so.

When Isak calls you in the middle of the night, you almost want to scream. You know that doesn’t help, so you do what your experience tells you. You call his parents. The moment you arrive at the hotel, they call you back.

You’ve tried to hold back, but you  _knew_  this would happen. You’ve tried to protect them but they  _wouldn’t listen._ Who does this guy think he is, coming into a situation where he’s clearly got no place to be, where he’s only bringing confusion into lives he’s clearly not concerned with at all. And if this leads to a relapse the equivalent of a year ago, one thing is certain.

She will  _never_ forgive Isak for causing it.

—

He doesn’t speak for four days, his phone thrown to the opposite wall. These are the hardest days, you know. His head must feel like lead. Yours feels the same. You know you’re not his girlfriend anymore, haven’t been for a while; you’ve been his caretaker for at least a year, you can admit that to yourself now.

On the fifth day, you lay yourself down next to him; his eyes are closed. His phone goes off and you reach out to see who it is. It’s Isak. When you look back at him, his eyes have opened, so you turn around his phone to show him who it is, but you know that he’ll not answer the call. It’s not the time, not yet. But he reaches out anyway, grabs his phone from your hands, and when the call stops, pushes the phone beneath the covers against his chest. His head disappears under the covers too, and you see his shoulders shake in soft sobs.

And you don’t know how to react to this anymore. You’ve always felt you had the answer to everything; you’ve been through this process of recovery and diagnosis and therapy with him for so long that you felt you  _had_ to know the answer to everything. Just to keep him safe. But right now, you see your ex-boyfriend cry for a boy he lost his heart to. You don’t know how to keep him safe this time. You feel like you don’t know anything, not anymore.

All that you really know is this:

You loved him. You love him. And you have to let him go.

—

Apologising to Isak is the one thing you need to do to truly let yourself dissolve of the guilt you’ve been feeling over the past few days. Your reaction to him, albeit sort of earned, was not okay. You’re unsure how to accomplish this; but the opportunity arises when Isak sends you a text instead.

It’s weird, but after your multiple conversations you see how Isak can actually be very good for him, in ways you weren’t. He’s willing to learn and is respectful to the history of your relationship; Isak wants to know how he can do better. It hurts to realise this only after you have definitively ended your relationship with him; how you both had changed and stagnated to the point of no return. You think it might take a while before you’re willing to try this again. But that’s okay. If there’s one thing you’ve learned over the past four years with Even, it’s this:

It’s okay to feel hopeless sometimes. As long as you  _try_  to pick up the pieces, even if it’s day by day. Or hour by hour.

Even minute by minute.

**Author's Note:**

> uploading my work from tumblr on here, as it's more traditionally fanficcy than what i usually write. i'll be uploading my perspective pieces of eskild and jonas as well. i enjoy writing in second person pov, which is quite unpopular i feel, but i personally think it conveys the same feeling that the perspectives of the mains had in the series. 
> 
> come and find me on tumblr @toneelspeler!


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